September 2012

All Dogs

September 28, 2012

I apologize in advance for what you are about to witness.

I am admittedly out of my mind right now.

I can’t help it. I have a seriously broken heart.

We knew this day would come. We knew it would be gut-wrenching. We knew we would never truly be able to prepare ourselves for the pain. We accepted it. I swear we did. We talked about it a million times. We knew she could not and would not live forever. And we told ourselves we were grateful for every day we got to spend with her and we hoped she was thankful for every day she got to spend with us.

We adopted a very old dog. We knew our days were numbered. We made the most of them.

Until this day was actually here.

This day wasn’t gut-wrenching. It was debilitating. I loathe this day.

I loathe the day we lost Penny Lane.

I feel like I can’t breathe without her.

Photo Courtesy of Penny Sylvia Photography

 I want her back. I want her back for five minutes, so I can tell her sweet face that I’m sorry I didn’t tell her goodbye when we left her at the vet.

I DIDN’T KNOW THAT WAS THE LAST TIME WE WERE EVER GOING TO SEE HER. I DIDN’T KNOW SHE WAS GOING TO GET PNEUMONIA ONE DAY AND BE GONE THE VERY NEXT.

Photo Courtesy of Penny Sylvia Photography

I just want to give my puppy one more kiss. That is all I want.

I know it was time for her to go. And I did not want her to suffer.

But I just want to give her one more kiss on her perpetually wet nose. That is all I want.

Photo Courtesy of Penny Sylvia Photography

I cannot imagine going a day without seeing this gorgeous face.

I cannot imagine a world without this Golden Retriever in it.

SOMEBODY TELL ME MY LUNGS ARE GOING TO INFLATE AT SOME POINT…BECAUSE I STILL CAN’T BREATHE…BECAUSE RIGHT NOW…I NEED AIR.

Photo Courtesy of Penny Sylvia Photography

Our house seems so still without Penny Lane. I’m not sure why. She didn’t make a whole lot of noise. She didn’t really make any. But the house is silent tonight. In the silence, I can hear the metal tag on her collar. I can hear her nails on our hardwood floors. I can even hear her arthritic hips. She sort of swayed everywhere she went. It was actually the only the sound she made – her waddle. And right now, I would give anything to see her waddle one more time.

Photo Courtesy of Penny Sylvia Photography

There was never going to be a good time or way for Penny Lane to leave us.

I get it.

But one of the only things that has kept me from crying through every minute of every hour of this day has been knowing that…

ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN

Photo Courtesy of Penny Sylvia Photography

Penny Lane,

I am so sorry we didn’t give you a proper goodbye and I am so sorry we didn’t bring you home. We honestly thought it would be better if you were monitored overnight. And we thought, when we got the call from the vet this morning, that we were going to be told it was time to pick you up. Boy were we wrong about that. I know how much you loved to be loved, and I am so sorry we weren’t there to love you. It is killing us inside. But I know that my dad is waiting for you. You two are going to have the best time together. And I know there’s no arthritis where you’re headed. No more restless nights and no more struggling to get up and down stairs. I bet you’ll even get your hearing (and hopefully your metabolism) back. You deserve it.

Thank you for some of the best memories of our lives.

We know that no puppy could hold a candle to you.

Now I need to get a grip.

Even my bangs look like @#$% today. And you know how I feel about my hair.

You have no idea how much everyone who knew you loved you.

XOXO

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It Was More Than I Could Handle

September 28, 2012

I wrote Robert a letter (this sentence will mean nothing to you if you haven’t read THIS).

Thankfully, it only took Robert a few days to write me back.

I was admittedly dying to receive a response.

His letter DID NOT disappoint.

I might have already said this…but I intend to write him back…for the rest of our lives.

And I plan to share all of our words.

On 8.24.12, I wrote…

Hello Robert, 

I’m sorry it has taken me so long to write you. I thought about it every day, I just didn’t sit down to do it. I finally wrote about our meeting at the MoMA for my website and decided I could put off this letter no longer. How have you been? Have you been eating seasonal fruit crisp with other young ladies at the museum? I wondered if you do that often or if you typically dine alone. I feel very fortunate to have wound up in the seat across from you. I really loved all of your stories and I hope you will write me back and tell me a few more. I bet you have so many more to tell. I would love to show my friends a photo of you and your wife…if that’s not too much to ask.

I hope you are well.

Natalie

And on 9.1.12, Robert wrote…

Dear Natalie, 

I feel so good about meeting you at MoMA. Sitting across the table from you, my intuition told me you were a loving woman. I think your letter took a long time because you are so involved in people’s lives.

I’ve been loving my New York life. I’m typing my diary from my Dutch trip. Then Jane will edit it, add pictures & I’ll send you a copy.

I’m amazed you remember seasonal fruit crisp. Delicious! No I haven’t met another young woman I enjoyed as much as you. I often eat by myself. Let me tell you more about myself. When I was 13, my father, mother & I moved to a 25 acre farm near Flemington, New Jersey. I am an only child. I rode my bike 2 2/3 miles to high school. If you lived 3 miles from school you could take the school bus. At lunch we ate in the auditorium. The center aisle separated the boys from the girls. Each year we looked over the new girls. I was attracted to Peggy Black. I really didn’t know anything about her. I ate lunch with a group of boys. Our leader was Artie Banker. He invited Peggy to sit next to me. She did. I put my head down between my knees. When she continued to sit there I got up & left the auditorium. It was more than I could handle. I was 16. That shyness is still in me. I love swing jazz dancing. I belong to The New York Swing Dance Society. I will go to a dance & sit all night unable to ask a strange woman to dance with me. I would love to dance with you. Maybe the next time you come to New York we could dance together. There is a place called Swing 46 that has swing dancing every night. It’s on 46th St between 8 & 9th Ave in Manhattan.

Yes we’re lucky to have met. I can’t remember which stories I told you. Were they about my three month bicycle trip in Holland? Or about my multi-racial neighborhood in Brooklyn? Or something else like my bike trips to San Diego, China, Japan, Thailand, Germany, France or Scandinavia? Yes I have a lot of stories & I would love to share them with you.

I asked Jane, my wife, for a photo but she hasn’t given me one yet. I want to send this to you so I’ll enclose one of me.

Please send me a photo of you.

I’m very well. I think it’s a privilege to be alive, especially meeting you.

With Affection,

Robert

A lot (like a @#$% ton) has happened since I last wrote to Robert.

I cannot wait to send him another letter…and share a few stories of my own.

At some point, I’m going to need to see him again. Aside from being madly in love with him, he’s starting to feel like a great first book (if you know what I mean).

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Team Daily

September 22, 2012

A few months ago, I ran my mouth about going to Rehab.

I said I was going to give up booze (I admit, that never happened). I was also going to make smarter choices regarding food. And I was going to exercise. A lot.

My goal? Simple. I just had to lose 70 pounds by the time I turned 33. Then I was going to rock a swimsuit and a serious spray tan at a pool party in Las Vegas THIS September.

Well, here we are. My 33rd birthday has come and gone (it was exactly eight days ago). And I’m only 60 goddamn pounds down.

I’m 10 pounds shy of my goal.

SO, I’M GOING TO REHAB ANYWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

And I honestly have no idea how, but I convinced some of my friends to go with me.

It is my pleasure…to introduce you…to TEAM DAILY

Captain Killian

Don’t be fooled by Katie’s sweet, laid back smile. While she definitely knows how to let her gorgeous locks down, The Captain likes to make a plan – and stick to it. So…my plan is to make sure she has so many mimosas at the airport…she can’t possibly remember the plan by the time she takes her seat on the plane. I’m SUCH a good friend.

Fearsten & Maren “The Minx” Conrad

This odd couple never fails to keep things interesting. When it comes to these two, the rules aren’t difficult to remember. You don’t @#$% with Fearsten (we just swapped out the “K” in Kearsten for a capital “F”, because momma is a) fierce and b) we all feel a little sorry for anyone who pisses her off). And, it doesn’t matter who you are, you are perfectly powerless to the cheekiness that is Maren “The Minx” Conrad. I think it’s more than obvious, you want these women on your team. At least, I want them on mine.

Allison “Superbad” Yee-Garcia

I McLove this chick. I want to scream it from rooftops. And I probably will. Right before we get tattoos on our faces. Ok, Allison’s a little too levelheaded for a face tattoo – but she’s not too levelheaded to get ridiculous. And when she laughs, the WHOLE WORLD laughs with her.

Last But Not Least…Natalie Winehouse

It’s 3 a.m.

I am so excited to spend the next two days with Team Daily that I can’t shut down.

I am so grateful for my friends.

I always need them. But I really need them right now. And when we get home, when I’m done distracting myself with Ketel One and Katy Perry’s new line of false lashes, I’m going to work on making my first million – so I can repay them for all the times they’ve come down the spiral with me. More often than not, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Someday, I’ll give as much as I take. At least I’m going to try (I swear).

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