December 2012

That Is All

December 16, 2012

Disclaimer: This image was recently sent to me by one of my best friends, via text. I have no idea where she got it. But I love it.

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Hope Floats

December 12, 2012

I can’t remember the last time I slept more than two or three hours at a time.

I just toss. And turn. And my stomach burns (I think that’s partly because of all the Taco Bell).

Lucky for me, I have friends that wake up early (Maren sends me potty and/or shower pics EVERY morning) and friends that stay up very late. There’s almost always someone on the other line. That being said, insomnia is still frustrating, exhausting (obviously) and at times, very lonely.

I’m a little sad to admit, I recently reached a new personal record. I’ve been “trying” to sleep for six days now. I typically crash after day three or four. Not this time.

I have tried EVERYTHING. Even exercise (a seriously extreme measure for me).

Alas, the ceiling (sometimes the walls), my dark circles, Netflix – and I – are currently attached at the hip.

Tonight, in my sleepless stupor, I was searching for blog inspiration. I’ve been looking back at blog posts I buried. I’ve been going through all the photos on my phone. Finally, I started making lists of pros, cons, plans and goals – basically ways to “make a bed” I could AND would sleep in.

Then I got distracted. Shocking, I know.

I found a video on my iPhone that reminded me…

1. How much I love Adele. Not just love her. Really love her. Like, I’d eat her with my Taco Bell.

2. How much I love Skinny Tara. And how much I miss her. I’m grateful I got to share this particular moment (in the video) with her.

3. I’m also grateful that one of my friends cared about me enough to put me in the fifth row, under the stars, by the ocean, to see Adele perform live.

4. Relationships aren’t easy. Some are easier than others, but no relationship is perfect. And no relationship is easy. They all require work. Hard work. You can’t fake or work hard on chemistry. You naturally have to have chemistry. But you have to work hard on everything else. If you only want to be in a relationship that’s easy or you’re not willing to work hard, you leave yourself (and the people who care about you) no choice. You’re going to fail.

5. I’m a fighter. In fact, I’ve got a whole lotta fight left in me. I’ve just been fighting for all the wrong things. I wonder what will happen when I repurpose all that energy. Expect to be knocked out.

6. Few things feel as good as loving and being loved the way Adele sings about affection. This lullaby might actually put me to sleep. It actually made me want to close my eyes, and dream. So, right now, at 3:33 a.m. on 12/12/12, that’s what I’m going to do.

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Kernel Knowledge

December 5, 2012

Remember when I said I’ve spent an embarrassing amount of time watching a show on Netflix about people with strange addictions?

In some episodes, these people are asked (by their therapists) to write letters to their addictions as part of their recovery process.

So, I wrote a letter to my Trader Joe’s popcorn tin. It felt like the “appropriate” thing to do. We withdrew down a long, dark, downward spiral together.

I am finally ready to deal with my feelings. And bid adieu.

Please read my words with an open heart and mind. This was not an easy admission. Treatment has been grueling for both my holiday-themed tin and I.

Dear Caramel & White Cheddar Kernels,

Despite the water weight I inevitably gain and the destruction we always ultimately do, I cannot stay away from you. Once I’ve pried the lid apart from your container, I am totally powerless.

I wish I could blame you for my pain. But I know I’m self destructive. I know most of my anguish has been caused by my complete lack of self control. Saying no to sodium has always been hard for me. Saying no to mixing your sweetest section with hulls of dehydrated cheese is an undeniably impossible feat. It’s not that I won’t say no. I literally can’t say no. I don’t feel satisfied until every single piece of your popcorn is gone. And you don’t care. You just let me indulge. You’ve never once tried to stop me. You just let me make myself sick. Like a corn dealer. You’re poisonous. I want out from under your starchy thumb. I want my less bloated life back.

Well, numb isn’t going to cut it for me anymore. I actually feel something when I’m with sherbet. Pomegranate blueberry sherbet actually freezes my brain and reminds me how unhealthy our relationship really is. I feel nothing when I’m with you. I just feel ill. Sherbet is so much more selfless than you. It wants me to maintain some sense of myself. I swear you’d rather see me choke on your seeds than see me thrive.

I have loved you most of my adult life. But I can’t do this anymore. Please, leave me be. Let me move on.

I’ll never forget the time we’ve spent together. I hope I’ll continue to find the strength to work on my addictions as a whole – rather than individually replace them with equally addictive and unhealthy options. I admit, I relapsed with fish sticks a few weeks ago. Sadly, even fish sticks don’t bring me down the way you do.

I’ve included a photo of us in this letter. I think it’s clear, in this photo, why we have to go our separate ways. I’m sincerely ready to be in a less explosive relationship. As far as I’m concerned, the only place you belong…is threaded on a string. I will never ingest your puffy fiber again.

Finally navigating through this maize,

Natalie Daily

 

 

 

 

 

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