March 2013

My Chick(s) Bad

March 19, 2013

I dance.

In the shower.

Every day.

Maybe every other day. Showers require A LOT of energy. I think they’re entirely overrated (unlesss we’re talking about my bangs, I wash my bangs EVERY day).

In any event…

This morning, one of my favorite Ludacris songs surprised me in my playlist.

I felt particularly inspired.

Not only did I work the bathtub like I was auditioning for Nicki Minaj, I was also reminded just how bad a$$ my friends are…because they are…they’re @#$%ing unreal.

I’m saying…my chicks do stuff yo’ chicks wish they could…

Meghan puts ranch dressing back like a boss. Not a little ranch dressing. A lot. We’re not talking ramekins of ranch. We’re talking 12-packs. I think she pours bottles of ranch dressing out on her kitchen floor and makes ranch angels…right before she mops it all up with crinkle cut fries. Meghan doesn’t mess around with ranch. Or zerberts. I love blowing on her bare skin almost as much as she loves the sound of me blowing on her bare skin (in public places no less…love you Golden Bear).

Katie’s teeth glow in the dark. This chick will lure you in with her pearly whites, then she’ll eat you with them, with the most beautiful smile on her face.

Kearsten…well…she just doesn’t eff around. Ever. This chick is legit. She doesn’t let you get away with acting like a complete a$$hole (because I try, ALL the time). And if you’re her friend, and anyone ever tries to be an a$$hole to you, she’ll put a stop to it…real quick.

There’s no reason to tell you why Sandra’s bad. See for yourself.

Ashley never ceases to amaze me. She has this dance move where she bends over backwards, like, at the waist. But somehow manages not to fall over. Even though she’s about eight feet tall. And she has Rapunzel-ish hair. You’d think, that alone, would weigh her down. Nope. She has perfected this incredible dance move. Outside of her dance moves, I’m pretty sure Ashley would lay down in traffic for me. For any of her friends actually. Once upon a time, she practically laid down in traffic to save one of my hats. College was fun.

Adrienne ran, for miles, with a triple-stroller. WTF. Who does that? One bad a$$ MILF. That’s who.

I’m not sure what’s more impressive about Maren. Her generosity. Her ability to have fun ANYWHERE. Or the junk in her tan trunk. Not gonna lie, she’s totally my type.

Peggy works (manages actually), cleans, cooks, runs (fast), parents, teaches, helps, loves, listens, forgives and fixes. Just to name a few. Seriously. That’s just a few.

Cindy isn’t afraid. And even if she is, she’s dreaming big anyway. She’s dreaming bigger than big. She’s not letting anyone get in her way. Right Cindy?

Shana’s bad too. Obviously. This makeup artist makes Sacramento’s socialites/brides AND the smallest stick-on sunglasses look good. No. Great.

Amy cares in a way that is sometimes unbelievable to me. And fully supports my love of HBO and Sauvignon Blanc. Need I say more? Yes, I do. Her text messages are off the chain. But she has a great job…so I shall not put her texts on blast.

Lori would knock a bitch out. Without saying a word. Not one word. Just a glance. Needless to say, I try to keep this mouthy Puerto Rican on my team.

No one keeps up like Kolea. No one. And if you know Kolea. You know exactly what I mean. This chick is one Salty D-O-DOUBLE-G.

I’m almost positive Amber could be wife, daughter AND mother of the year, make it rain (I mean this in the nicest possible way) and throw some serious punches at the same time. Not verbal punches (although she can throw those too). Real ones. She’s also smokin’ hot. Short. But hot. Wham BAmber is badder than you.

Miss Red Pants drinks coffee. The most delicious coffee. And she can have any man she wants (she’s got Bob Daly wrapped around her little clawed paw). If she doesn’t get the attention she wants, she draws blood. She’s fierce like that.

Carolyn is inexplicably bad a$$. She doesn’t know it. But she will one day. And then instead of asking her to listen to us, or asking her for help…we’re all going to need to get out of her way. I can’t wait for that to happen.

JMy is bad. But she’s perfectly good at it.

I could go on, and on, and on. I really could. But I’m tired. I’m hungry. And my head seriously hurts right now. I blame pollen. Then estrogen.

Before I say goodnight, I have to say…

This only scratches the surface of the bad a$$ chicks in my life. I’m a seriously lucky girl. We’re all a lil’ crazy (admit it ladies). Regardless, we comin’ down the street like a mother@#$%in parade…Macy’s…

Note: If you’ve never heard of Ludacris, Nicki Minaj or the aforementioned song (My Chick Bad) – this post (and the lyrics I included) probably made very little sense to you. If you chose to Google the aforementioned people and song, this post (and my taste in music) probably made even less sense to you. Sorry about that.





This is why I don’t go to bed early.

Because I wake up at 3:38 a.m.

I’m trying to make the most of it.

I think it’s working.

This very early Monday morning…I’m grateful for Diet Pepsi, my friend Brandie, HBO and my computer.

I wish I craved water like I crave artificial sweetener and carbonation. We already know I’m perpetually dehydrated. I’m thinking my insides have to be corroding by now.

When I first woke up, I skimmed through the text messages and notifications on my phone. One of the messages mentioned Brandie. She tagged me on Facebook. So I went to my Facebook page and found this…

If you spend any time on Brandie’s blog, you’ll see she has plenty going on in her own life. I don’t know how or why she found the time to think about me. It’s just who she is. I imagine it’s who she’s always been. Not to mention the fact that she’s never forgotten how much I heart Adele.

It’s also kind of ironic Brandie posted that particular Adele quote on my timeline today. It’s so relevant right now. I really needed to read that. At this minute.

After I realized I was not going to fall back asleep, I tried to find something to do. Thanks to a few texts from Maid Marian (there is really no limit to the ways in which I will try to entertain myself), I remembered I had missed the finale of our favorite show. So I got up and watched Girls on HBO. The Game of Thrones preview that aired before the show started – made me happy enough…but this gem…this quote…made freezing my a$$ off on the couch for 30 minutes (I was too lazy to look for pants) seem like no big deal…

“Ok, I love you, so much, like, to the ends of the world and back, so much. But, sometimes, I love you the way that, like, I feel sorry for a monkey. Like, they need so much help, and they’re in such an ugly cage. Know what I mean?” – Shoshanna to Ray

I’m still laughing right now.

Last, but (definitely) not least, I love my laptop. I don’t love that I’m awake. But I knew I’d be fine. I knew I could write.

I’ve got so much new material. I don’t even know where to start.

Well, I do know where to start…I’m just not sure what I want to say.

Are you nervous?




Must Love Bros

March 4, 2013

Before we get Bromantic…


Most of the people who read my blog are familiar with my sense of humor. And for the most part, they can tell when I’m being comical – or combative. Just to be clear, the tone of this post is not combative. But I do get excited. I do talk (and write) with my hands (obviously).

This post is very specific to Sacramento. While it might make you chuckle somewhere else in the world, it’s important to note it’s a topic that will probably only resonate close to (my) home. It may not make any sense to you if you don’t a) live in Sacramento and b) eat and drink Downtown.

I realized, while writing and reading (and rewriting and rereading) this post – how large things seem when you deal with them every day (even when they’re small in the grand scheme of things). Believe it or not, this is a topic that comes up, for my employer and I, almost every single day. This has probably never crossed your mind. At the very least, I hope the idea of us being forced to have conversations/meetings about it…makes you laugh. We laugh about it too.

I also hope it teaches you what it’s teaching me. It’s healthy to consider other opinions and perspectives. And it’s acceptable to expect people to extend the same respect to you.


I recently started working for a group of restaurants, bars and nightclubs in Sacramento – one of which is home to the region’s resident “Bros.”

Because they employ me, I sound biased.

I’m actually not “that” biased.

I prefer beards (and bangs)…to Bros.

BUT (and this is a Sir Mix-a-Lot size a$$)…

Warning: I’m about to seriously stereotype.

These full-sleeve having, True Religion buying, flat-billed baseball cap wearing, rhinestone toting, bench-pressing, Fireball drinking, protein shaking Bros – didn’t do ANYTHING to you (at least I don’t think they did).

I swear…


You won’t get stung if you don’t irritate or swat them…in their own hive.

Say what you like about BarWest (my friends and I certainly have), but the buzz is getting old.


BarWest is a LOCAL business that abides by the same laws and pays the same taxes as other LOCAL businesses. It actually gives back to our community (in its own special ways). The bar also employs your sibling, or girlfriend, or spouse, or children, students and friends.

BarWest is a successful LOCAL business for a reason. The patio is packed for a reason. They keep selling hot wings and fishbowls for a reason. There is a demand. There is a group of people in this region that like to go there. You don’t have to hang out with them. Or even stand close enough to smell their cologne.

Just get over them.


TIME magazine said Sacramento was America’s most diverse city. It wasn’t a city-regional publication. IT WAS TIME. And TIME Magazine said, “Although many cities are diverse, in Sacramento people seem to live side by side more successfully.”



The owners love vibrant cities. They love hospitality. They love food and beverage. They love nightlife. They love what they do.


The owners knew better than to put one identical bar next to another. They turned up the country music and the UFC fights for a reason. They want EVERYONE on the block to hippity-hop successfully (see what I did there Red Rabbit, can you feel the love?).

The owners didn’t want to compete for business. They wanted business of their own. I assure you, when BarWest stops making money…when it stops making its clientele happy…it will reinvent itself. But there is no need for that now. Whether you want to admit it or not, it serves a purpose.

It gives the Bros a place to go.

I honestly had no idea how much a large part of this community hates (on) that place.

And why? For what (good) reason?

It’s certainly not professional.

I think it’s personal.

It’s a culture clash.

That’s all this really is.

People are discriminating. Against the Bros.

Funny thing is, the Bros really only care about…THEIR BROS. They don’t want to hang out at hotels or hipster bars. The Bros aren’t trying to swarm your safe havens. The Bros just want to have a good time, like everyone else. This doesn’t mean a Bro has never caused a problem, but like a lot of other human beings, the Bros really only notice the people that pay close attention to them.

I admit. It’s hard NOT to notice the Bros. But isn’t that the point? Shouldn’t you unapologetically want to be…yourself? Shouldn’t you just own who you are? Or aren’t? And appreciate those that are capable of being the very biggest version of…themselves (that pun was absolutely intended).

Normally, when I don’t like places, or people – I simply try to avoid them.

You don’t have to hang out at BarWest if you loathe it.

Go somewhere else.

Get another LOCAL business/bartender to craft you a cocktail.


Suck it up Sacramento.

You can do it.