Born this Way

This is all you really need to know (right now)…

I’m prone to personal injury. For example, “pulling a Natalie” means you saved your burrito instead of the tendons in your ankle. It could also mean you slept on your front porch. Or it could mean your smart mouth got you into trouble. Basically, it means you were the main act. You were the showstopper. You literally stopped the show.

I love animals. Except fish and small dogs. I liked fish until I started eating more of them as an adult. Now I don’t want them as pets. And I’ve never been fond of small dogs. That being said, I’m especially intrigued by large men with small dogs. It’s kind of like the flurry of cat photos on my phone. It’s not cute. It’s creepy.

I’m an only child. My mother made sure this is painfully obvious. To everyone. All the time. Love you mom! Love how much you love me!

My father died when I was very young. It took me 33 years to realize I don’t have daddy issues. I’d like to thank all the therapists that told me I had daddy issues for their help with this realization. I want my mom’s money back.

I have no plants. And no kids. The thought of trying to keep anything alive (outside of myself and my cats)…hurts my vagina. I try to avoid hurting my vagina.

I don’t take myself too seriously. Life’s too short for nonsense like that. Besides, I do and say a lot of embarrassing @#$%. If I took myself super seriously – I’d never get out of bed. The perpetual humiliation would be too much to bear.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with fake cheese. I also enjoy delicious, pretentious cheese – but there’s something so sexy about food that won’t ever spoil.

My weight fluctuates (see: fake cheese).

I don’t run. So don’t ask me to run.

I’m not afraid of change…unless we’re talking about my bangs.

Don’t ever touch my bangs.

Love it or leave it – this is Natalie Daily.