Have A Nice Life

February 18, 2012

Disclaimer: This post was wine induced.

It’s not difficult to irritate me (ask Bob, the poor guy rarely irritates me…but I blow his hair back all the time). It just goes with the territory. When your heart is naturally affixed to your sleeve…you feel @#$%. It’s not what you want. You just can’t help yourself.

Tonight, I’m going to own it. I’m going to publicly (and by publicly, I mean for the 11 people reading my blog) end a few friendships. I feel irritated. And a little saucy (sauce = Sauvignon Blanc). And, like I just said, I’m going to own it. I’m all about owning it tonight (screw you Lori Diaz).

Let’s cut to the chase…

I’d like to end my friendships with the following people. I have listed the VERY reasonable explanations below.

Feel free to contact me if you think we have a friendship worth saving. If not, HAVE A NICE LIFE.

Brittinee Barrett – We don’t even know each other that well – but you are impossibly likeable and attractive. You reminded me of this when I ran into you last weekend. I don’t even want to deal with this kind of competition as I enter my mid to late 30’s. So…we’re done. Sorry dude.

Julie Berge – I think you really might be as nice as you seem. That’s @#$%ing ridiculous. Nobody is as nice as they seem. I’m so over you and your super hot bass master husband. You guys are stupid.

Brianna Brackett – I’m just bitter that I’m not a Brackett. I don’t even know why. There must be a timeshare or an inheritance. Maybe that’s it. And you guys all have the pinkest, softest looking lips. You guys are a$$holes. All of you.

Sarah Campbell – One time you told me you were irritated because you saw a dimple on your a$$. Yes, one dimple on your a$$. And I’m pretty sure you were able to eliminate said dimple with a pilates class. Yes, one pilates class. Frankly, I’m not even sure why you like me. But I’m pretty sure I don’t like you. Anymore.

Gordon Fowler – I don’t like scarves. I don’t like them in the summer OR winter. I never have and I don’t know if I ever will. I accept them on you. And I don’t like that you make me want to bend my rules. Whatever this power is that you have over me, I want it to stop. Be gone Gordon.

Ashlee Gadd – I have more stretch marks than you would have if 12,000 children exited your womb. If you don’t believe me, I will come to your house and show you each one. I will even let you photograph them for some sort of photo essay. You can post pics weekly…with the pics of your itsy bitsy belly that you like to call big. Sweet pea, you will never truly know the meaning of big. No offense. Really. This all comes from a place of wine-spirited love. And our friendship is over. Starting now.

Leslie Gantan – I’ve seen photos of you in a swimsuit. You’re a @#$%ing @#$%&. Nobody should want to be your friend.

Tara Leonard – Your thighs don’t touch. You have amazing buns. And then God gave you an intolerance to dairy; which made you even thinner than you already were (nevermind the fact that you can’t enjoy cheese or butter with the rest of us). You also have fake grass. At your house in San Diego. Where the weather is always warm. And I really like your husband. I don’t know how our friendship even survived this long.

Jennifer Myers – I don’t know anyone, besides you, who is ALWAYS wearing a matching bra and underwear set. I don’t know why I know this. And I don’t care that I just told everyone else. But I hate you for it. It makes the rest of us look bad. Lower your standards. @#$%head.

Chris Tucker – I spend an unreasonable amount of time wondering where you are working. I know there is nothing wrong with wanting a handcrafted cocktail. But, my obsession with you and Brian Mizner is out of control. I want to quit you both.

Allison Yee-Garcia – Recently, we have cried in an unnecessary amount of public places. WTF. We should just call it quits dude. And you’re pretty logical. I loathe that about you.

Ali Zamanian – For some reason, after a few glasses of wine, I like to give you lots of kisses and tweet the inappropriate things you say to me. It makes sense to us, but to nobody else (although I think Bob understands). I need to know if you really want to be together or if you are just going to take pictures of your food…and I’m going to play second fiddle for the rest of my life. Suck it Ali. I’m done with you too. P.S. I inserted a photo of awesome us, before I was done with you.

Persian Flava Flav meets sequin Nanette Lepore with blunt bangs

{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }

holly February 18, 2012 at 5:59 am

I wish I knew you better….damn funny gal.

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Natalie February 18, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Holly, I think we have time (and now space) to grow this friendship. Just beware of wine-induced rants. No one is safe now that the blog is a part of my life. It is both a blessing and a curse. Hee Hee.

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Natalie February 18, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Thank you all for your comments. Writing under the influence is fun. Hysterical in fact. Waking up to read what you wrote…is a different experience. Knowing you all got a kick out of it and that almost all of the people featured in the post are still my friends (I have yet to hear from a few of them…LOL), made my day. I have laughed an exponential amount.

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Amy February 18, 2012 at 7:58 am

I’d like to take this opportunity to apply for one of the open slots above. I like wine, shopping, manicures and I promise I am neither ridiculously attractive NOR likeable. I’d like to speak with you about this opportunity in person. Thank you for your consideration.

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Natalie February 18, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Haaaaaaaaaa. I will review your application and get back to you next week. 😉

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Carolyn February 18, 2012 at 8:50 am

Making me laugh and snort again.

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Marisa February 18, 2012 at 9:05 am

What a great way to wake up reading this first thing this morning! You make me smile lady!

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Suzanne February 18, 2012 at 9:41 am

I’m totally offended that you don’t hate me!

I love coming here…you are so funny.

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Julie Berge February 18, 2012 at 10:15 am

Well since we’re being honest here. There’s something I need to get off my chest too {Nice gloves coming off}. Let’s just say, being friends with you and those 24/7 perfectly coiffed bangs, isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. As a girl with unruly cowlicks, I’ve struggled my entire life to attain bangs that God so generously blessed you with. Remember that one time you met me at the gym at 5:30 AM? My morning hair was hidden under a baseball cap when you walked in looking like you just stepped out of Un’s chair. And to add insult to injury, you said, “I just wake up like this!” I wanted to punch you and instantly had flash backs to all the hideous, temple-length, bang trims my mother gave me trying to make them “even.” Today, not even the most expensive flat irons can get the hairs on the front of my head all on the same page. So now…that we’re officially over…me and my cowlicks say “suck it!”

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Natalie February 18, 2012 at 4:33 pm

I’m still dying re: your response Julie Berge. I can’t believe you told me to “suck it.” Well done.

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Julie Berge February 19, 2012 at 5:03 pm

HA! That very well may have been the first time I told anyone to “suck it.” I’m not gonna lie, it felt pretty good! Maybe the nice thing is over-rated after-all! 😉

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Peggy Seitzinger February 20, 2012 at 10:56 am

Julie – I’ve even seen your former friend, Natalie, wake up, hung over as hell after spending the night on a bathroom floor, and those %&$#-ing bangs are perfect. If I were you I’d stay away from her too. (Sadly, as she and I are family, I’m legally bound to her). I support you and your unruly cowlicks!

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Leslie Gantan February 19, 2012 at 10:36 pm

I refuse to end this relationship! NO ONE breaks up with me?! You sure as hell aren’t going to. And while we’re being honest, this so-called relationship is so one-sided! You get to see my in a swimsuit, how bout I see your fanny in one, huh? And PS. way to call me and my photoshopping out. Love/Hate you.

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Danielle February 20, 2012 at 7:31 pm

After a long long weekend of camping…..this was fabulous and I am so glad that I am so perfect AND still your friend! 🙂

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rakesh mishra March 20, 2012 at 6:16 pm

life is air

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