Kernel Knowledge

December 5, 2012

Remember when I said I’ve spent an embarrassing amount of time watching a show on Netflix about people with strange addictions?

In some episodes, these people are asked (by their therapists) to write letters to their addictions as part of their recovery process.

So, I wrote a letter to my Trader Joe’s popcorn tin. It felt like the “appropriate” thing to do. We withdrew down a long, dark, downward spiral together.

I am finally ready to deal with my feelings. And bid adieu.

Please read my words with an open heart and mind. This was not an easy admission. Treatment has been grueling for both my holiday-themed tin and I.

Dear Caramel & White Cheddar Kernels,

Despite the water weight I inevitably gain and the destruction we always ultimately do, I cannot stay away from you. Once I’ve pried the lid apart from your container, I am totally powerless.

I wish I could blame you for my pain. But I know I’m self destructive. I know most of my anguish has been caused by my complete lack of self control. Saying no to sodium has always been hard for me. Saying no to mixing your sweetest section with hulls of dehydrated cheese is an undeniably impossible feat. It’s not that I won’t say no. I literally can’t say no. I don’t feel satisfied until every single piece of your popcorn is gone. And you don’t care. You just let me indulge. You’ve never once tried to stop me. You just let me make myself sick. Like a corn dealer. You’re poisonous. I want out from under your starchy thumb. I want my less bloated life back.

Well, numb isn’t going to cut it for me anymore. I actually feel something when I’m with sherbet. Pomegranate blueberry sherbet actually freezes my brain and reminds me how unhealthy our relationship really is. I feel nothing when I’m with you. I just feel ill. Sherbet is so much more selfless than you. It wants me to maintain some sense of myself. I swear you’d rather see me choke on your seeds than see me thrive.

I have loved you most of my adult life. But I can’t do this anymore. Please, leave me be. Let me move on.

I’ll never forget the time we’ve spent together. I hope I’ll continue to find the strength to work on my addictions as a whole – rather than individually replace them with equally addictive and unhealthy options. I admit, I relapsed with fish sticks a few weeks ago. Sadly, even fish sticks don’t bring me down the way you do.

I’ve included a photo of us in this letter. I think it’s clear, in this photo, why we have to go our separate ways. I’m sincerely ready to be in a less explosive relationship. As far as I’m concerned, the only place you belong…is threaded on a string. I will never ingest your puffy fiber again.

Finally navigating through this maize,

Natalie Daily






{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Kristy December 5, 2012 at 7:55 pm

Love the maze/maize quip. Love you. xo


zarchasmpgmr December 5, 2012 at 8:01 pm


This seriously made my evening. This ranks among your best ever. The picture and ending pun are perfect touches..


RobynDahl December 5, 2012 at 8:11 pm

Don’t ever even try Popcornopolis’ Zebra. You’d be done for.


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