Nicholas Sparks Is Such An A$$hole

February 2, 2013

I know you’re going to think I’m man-bashing.

I’m not.

I’m not mad at a real man.

I’m only mad at Nicholas Sparks.

I’m mad because he’s setting all ovaries in the universe…up for failure (via his novels that have been adapted to films).

Before I tell you why, I will say one nice thing about the Spark. He did live in Fair Oaks, California (which most of us simply refer to as “Sacramento”) and he did graduate from one of my rival high schools. We probably ate at the same Round Table Pizza – before he started punishing vaginas across the planet. At least I can appreciate his roots.

Now…I’ll give you eight great reasons to loathe the man:

  1. Message in a Bottle – I honestly don’t feel like I need to elaborate (but I will). The title of the book/film says it all. If you’ve ever found a few messages, in bottles, written by a hot older man that has just recently refurbished a boat called “Happenstance” – call me…and I’ll profusely apologize for this post. What a crock of @#$%. Doesn’t said hot older man die in the end? Thanks for that Sparks. Thanks so much. I’m pretty sure that movie opened on Valentine’s Day weekend. Labia across America were in pain THAT Valentine’s Day…thanks to Nicholas Sparks.
  2. A Walk to Remember – The film stars Mandy Moore. And she dies in the end. That’s all I’m going to say about that. Whatever Nicholas Sparks. I’m not going to say anything else – because the inspiration for this novel was Sparks’ sister, who died of cancer. And that’s a sensitive subject for some of us. You’re getting off easy this time, Sparky.
  3. The Notebook – I could go on for so long about this @#$%ing film. First things first, I mean – let’s just get this out of the way. Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams are impossibly hot. Human beings are just not that hot. That’s not fair. That doesn’t make us feel good, Nicholas Sparks. Don’t you have any creative control? Why couldn’t you give Ryan Gosling’s girl a fatal flaw? Like a huge mole. Or cankles. Yes, cankles. But no, no you didn’t. You gave him Rachel EFFING McAdams. If you’re a bird…BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. THEN YOU TORE THEM APART AND THEN YOU GOT THEM BACK TOGETHER AND THEN THEY GOT OLD AND YOU KILLED THEM. YOU SICK @#$%. I cried for like two hours after the movie was over, Nicholas Sparks. I blew snot bubbles, Nicholas Sparks. I’ll never forgive you for The Notebook, Nicholas Sparks. Never. Ever.
  4. Nights in Rodanthe – Full disclosure…I never saw this film. Here’s why – I only like when Richard Gere picks up prostitutes. Who cares what he’s doing in Rodanthe, North Carolina with Diane Lane? Besides, didn’t their relationship end in another film? Didn’t she ditch him for an awesome French artist that Richard Gere murdered? Way better than the garbage Nicholas Sparks is sending us…in messages…in bottles.
  5. Dear John – There is only one thing NOT wrong with this movie. That thing is – Channing Tatum. I love that man. THAT being said…this is another impossibly attractive couple that’s torn apart by, if I remember correctly, a coin collection…right? I just vividly remember a coin collection. Ugh. And more cancer. And more people that had to die. And more letters. NICHOLAS SPARKS IS A MASOCHIST.
  6. The Last Song – Two Words: Miley Cyrus. That is all. That ruined the novel. And the film. For me.
  7. The Lucky One – I was not prepared to watch Zac Efron go from boy to man in a Nicholas Sparks trailer (I was actually terrified to watch the entire film, Efron looked stupid good). I was terribly turned on and troubled at the same time. Not only do I think Sparks is a masochist. I think he has way more insight into what a woman needs and wants than he should. It’s just not right. Who is helping him? Who is clueing him in? Or does he have a female reproductive system of his own? I mean, how does he know? How did he know that we really needed Zac Efron to mature at the very minute he did? Because we did (don’t deny it). Screw you and your insight Nicholas Sparks.
  8. Safe Haven – Aaaaaaaaaah. Here it is. The icing on the cake. His newest novel/film. Starring Julianne Hough and Josh Duhamel. I’m DOWN with Duhamel. But Julianne. Eh. So what. The title alone is an oxymoron. There is nothing safe about Sparks’ love stories. Someone is bound to die or get trampled along the way. And this film is set to open…yes…you guessed it…on Valentine’s Day. So sweet. I bet it’s a tearjerker. I bet it’s all about…need a kidney transplant, they’re shipping me off to war, I should sell these coins, we should run in the rain, you’re lipstick still looks perfect, you have the most amazing abs…true love. BITE ME NICHOLAS SPARKS.

I love to be in love.

And I love to love.

I really do.

I always have.

And I always will.

But…like so many things in life…love isn’t glamorous.

It’s not what Nicholas Sparks showed me it would be.

At least he showed me Ryan Gosling’s abs…

{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

Beth February 2, 2013 at 11:54 pm

I’ve only read one of his novels. Thank you for saving me valuable time I would have never gained back by giving the short version of the rest of his books Natalie!

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Lauren February 4, 2013 at 11:46 am

HAHAHA! Ah, Nat, you speak the truth. Although, I must say that I feel worse for all the male genitalia out there, because they’re the ones that have to deal with our teary, “But you never buy me flowers!” after they’ve spent all week shlepping us to and from the places we need to go. Love isn’t perfect. Sometimes it’s not even pretty…but it’s always worthwhile :).

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Paul Lanning February 5, 2013 at 4:18 pm

I have a teenage daughter, so I can admit openly that I saw most of these (with her). And I actually DID see Nights in Rodanthe, and sure enough I got pissed off, because Richard Gere’s character died in the end – in a flood that tore right through his house, just as he and Diane Lane were finally going to be together forever. Diane Lane is then left with unbearable grief, which does not look good on her. What a crock of…

Anyway, we have similar sentiments over this issue, and I’m a guy…and I’m glad my daughter is older now and sees these Nicholas Sparks movies with her friends. 🙂

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Claire February 6, 2013 at 6:44 pm

Richard Gere? Dead. Thank you for writing out what I say to everyone, ever. I admit that while I have read exactly three of his books, I still lose a teeny bit of respect for anyone I know who has his novels displayed where anyone else can see them. At least have the decency to deny you read that crap, like the rest of us.

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