Real Women Have Labia

January 19, 2012

Let me preface this post by saying, I am NOT knocking Brandi Glanville’s (entire) body. If I looked that good in a bikini, I’d be wearing dental floss…all the time…everywhere.

I simply want to have a conversation about this Beverly Hills Housewife’s lack – of labia.

I wish I was kidding. But I’m not. I can’t stop thinking about her crotch. Ask Bob. I’ve been talking about it for weeks. He’s been forced (not asked – forced) to participate. At least Bob is being asked (by his own wife) to carefully inspect another woman – below the waist. I know you’re all thinking it…I am so selfless.

Here’s the deal…

I want to know what happened to Brandi’s lips. And I’m not talking about her face. Compared to some of her pals, those lips still look fine to me. I want to know what happened to her labia. Where did her labia go? There is no way labia could fit inside her bikini bottoms. There is just no way. Ask any woman with labia. We need more than a centimeter of fabric.

Did her labia dissolve? How many ice chips did that take? How little do you have to weigh? I mean – I’ve lost inches off my waist and seen my cheeks get smaller over time – but I have never LOST MY LABIA. I would bet my right arm that most of my friends, even the thinnest ones (yes, even you Skinny Tara) – have labia. How did Brandi Glanville do it? And do they make special bikinis for women with such amazing features? They must. Because my average-sized bathing suits would swallow her non-existent labia up whole. Let’s be totally honest…they’d swallow up her hips, abs and no-cellulite-having-ass too. (Insert a twinge of jealousy here.)

At the end of the day, I don’t mind having labia. It must serve a purpose. That being said, I’m still considering an extreme diet plan to ditch mine. I could save some serious money on fabric. I could potentially date Eddie Cibrian (Leanne Rimes isn’t packing much in the labia department either). Or…I could just totally consume the warped mind of a woman such as myself – who thought things like stretch marks and curves and labia WEREN’T optional.

For those of you who think I’m completely insane (which is not far from the truth) or have no idea who/what I’m talking about – because you know better than to poison your minds with such pointless pop culture/programming…I have included a photo of said invisible labia.

You’re welcome.

Leanne Rimes vs. Brandi Glanville

 

{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

Jaydee Hage-Sheppard January 20, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Oh, Natalie!! I love it. I had to see what you were up to with this one! I may have to follow this blog! -Jaydee

Reply

Natalie January 23, 2012 at 12:17 am

Thanks so much for reading lady. Glad I haven’t scared you off…yet. Hee Hee.

Reply

The Stylilst January 20, 2012 at 6:40 pm

They need implants…..or cushion in the bathing suit.

Reply

Timsy January 20, 2012 at 7:32 pm

Baaahhaaah… Last i checked, skeletons didn’t have female body parts… Maybe she lost them in the divorce?
On a related note, I think a new drinking game has just been invented!! Step One: re-read this post with your friends (or alone) Step Two: Drink/take a shot every time the word “labia” is mentioned!

Reply

Natalie January 23, 2012 at 12:16 am

I thought you might be right about your divorce theory Timsy – but what excuse does Leann Rimes have?

Reply

Maren Conrad January 20, 2012 at 8:37 pm

The latest batch of Demi /Ashton drama had an insider leak that Brandi and Demi had indulged in a session of clam bumping while on holiday together on Bruce Willis’ private island. I say Demi ate the missing set of smackers. Miss Demi looks awfully hungry these days… Which leads to my next question Natalie. What is the calorie count for labia? Is mostly fat? Would it be approved on the Atkins diet?

Reply

Natalie January 23, 2012 at 12:14 am

Maren – I think it’s safe to say you have taken the topic of labia to a whole new level. I always knew you could. LOL.

Reply

Marianne June 15, 2012 at 3:30 pm

I dont believe Labia have any carbs…mainly fat…not sure its the healthy fat that you would get in say an avocado though…OMG…Ive never laughed so hard. Have you ever seen a VS swim suit ad? They have lost their Labia also! Maybe they tuck it up inside themselves. Not natural.

Reply

Marcella "Daly" January 29, 2012 at 7:25 pm

My, my – it took over 76 years to learn this anatomy lesson. My lips are sealed!!(LOL)
No pun intended (much)

Reply

Natalie February 1, 2012 at 6:34 am

Ew. Marcella…I can’t believe you just said that.

Reply

Ed January 31, 2012 at 10:46 pm

I’m only slightly uncomfortable reading this at work. Good stuff. Maybe she had a reduction. Saw the first ten minutes of a documentary about this. I thought it would be sexy women talking about their lady bits, but it proved too much for me.

Reply

Shari February 18, 2012 at 11:52 am

This must be what enables celebrities to implement wiping with one square of toilet paper (after going #1) into their “green” lifestyle.

Shari (friend of Charissa D. Jones)

Reply

Leave a Comment