The Blind Side

March 8, 2012

Before I potentially agitate every loving mother on the planet (including my own), I want to be clear about three things…

  1. There really are people in this world who do not want children of their own. I know, because I’m one of them.
  2. Just because I don’t want children of my own doesn’t mean I don’t like children. My friends/family have given birth to some of the most intelligent, most beautiful, most hysterical kiddos I have ever encountered. Sometimes I am even charmed by random children. I just don’t want my own children. And I don’t want you to try and convince me that I actually really do. I actually really don’t.
  3. Not wanting children has nothing to do with me thinking I would be a good or a bad mother. I don’t think I would be a bad mother. I have the best mother. And I have amazing bangs. What more does a girl need? I just don’t want to pop little blunt-banged brats (much like myself) out of my urethra (that’s where babies come from, right?).

On to the inspiration for this post and the meat/bones of this @#$%&…

While feeling a little saddened by my recent bout of writer’s block, one of my baby-toting gal pals suggested I blog about my aversion to having children. She’s brilliant. I’m so well versed in the topic and so currently angry at my kidneys…the words just started to flow…like the water I wish I drank…to prevent anguish over kidney dehydration – which made me think of bladders – then babies – you get the point.

I’m sort of in love with lists right now. And they’re really helping with the writer’s block. So I made a list of some of the reasons (there just isn’t enough space or time to list them ALL) why babies are not in my future. Try not to take me too seriously – I really do like children (for the most part).

Some of the reasons why I’m never having children and the one circumstance under which I would…

  1. Frozen breast milk. I don’t really feel like I need to elaborate on this, but I will. Knowing that some of you actually have frozen breast milk in your freezer at this very moment makes me want to vomit (thank you for teaching me all about this Lesley Miller). I know you can save lives with frozen breast milk. I get it. But I will never pump, bottle, bag or freeze any fluids for another human being. That is gross. What if someone thought it was pasta sauce? I bet it looks identical to something you could get at Trader Joe’s. Seriously. That is gross.
  2. Giving birth sounds like the least amazing thing on this planet. I know you all say it’s a miracle but really…you call having something that large being squeezed out of a space that small a miracle? You call tearing a miracle? Yeah. Tearing. I’ve heard ALL about that. Who knew you could tear more than one way. WTF. NO THANK YOU.
  3. I like to sleep.
  4. I like to drink wine. More than one glass. And I don’t know how you can adequately mother your children with a hangover (kudos to those of you that do, I’ve seen you in action and it’s impressive). If I never have children, I never have to worry about it. I can just sleep it off, get some coffee, then brunch, then a mimosa and go on with my day…without worrying about who is watching Dora and who had their bath. Let’s be honest. I’ll probably be the one watching Dora (and in need of a bath).
  5. I like to spend money. On myself.
  6. There is something about the sound of a child throwing a fit that gives me anxiety. I realize they can’t always help it – but – I think an easy way to avoid having anxiety would be to avoid having children. Common. Sense.
  7. When I think about my future, I never see children. Ever. So why mess with my own vision of perfection? (I use the word perfection loosely. I’m still not entirely sure what I’m going to be when I grow up.)
  8. I’m convinced a large part of the rest of my life is going to be spent in planes, hotels, cars (with drivers) and theaters (I’m going to be a star). I don’t want to be a mother and chase my dreams. I just want to chase my dreams. And my dream is not to be a mother. But I’ll love my dreams like you love your baby. Make sense?
  9. Frozen breast milk. I had to throw this one in again. And I want to add breast pumps…for good measure. Gross.
  10. When I see your pregnancy photos on Facebook (there are way too many to name), I feel nothing. I literally feel nothing. It looks miserable. You just look wine, cheese and sushi deprived to me. This tells me something maternal inside me is dead. And I think I should just embrace it – instead of having babies anyway and then resenting them for ruining my awesome, impulsive ways.
  11. I am not a morning person.
  12. When kids kick the back of my seat on airplanes, I want to physically hurt them. I want to pull their little kid hair or twist their little kid ankles. I don’t. But I want to. This urge frightens me. It makes me never want to be in charge of a little person that might send someone like me over the edge.
  13. Kids tell the truth. And as adults, we have the option to be honest with ourselves, or not. I would rather have the option to pay a therapist for the truth than to live with a little gnome that’s just going to uncontrollably spew it at me.
  14. My pets are totally dysfunctional. I’m confident my child would be certifiably insane.
  15. My hormones are already in control of me. NOBODY wants to see me pregnant. I’d probably destroy a region, over macaroni and cheese. Or peanut butter.
  16. I’d like to spend more time in Las Vegas. If I had children, their college funds would surely end up on a craps table.
  17. I don’t need any more reasons to overeat. Thanks.
  18. I like alone time. So…where do you put the baby when you want to go to Nordstrom? Where do you put the baby when you want to get a pedicure? Where do you put the baby when you just don’t want to play with it anymore? Where do you put the baby when it won’t stop crying? Where do you put the baby on Sunday Funday? Is there some sort of safe house for these situations? I just don’t feel like someone should have a baby if they have to ask themselves these questions. Right? I feel like I’m actually being responsible here.
  19. I don’t like to share. With anyone. Not even children.
  20. And…the ONLY way I am ever having a child is if I find myself an exceptional, teenage linebacker that really needs me to help tutor him through high school and then assist him in getting a full ride to a great college from where he will then be drafted into the NFL. That, my friends, is the ONLY way this family is going to grow. I shall wave from the 50-yard line. Notice, I still avoided frozen breast milk and giving birth. BAM.

Last…but definitely not least; I have included a photo of me, and a child.

Meet Payton. I heart her. And I heart all of our self portraits. But I especially love this one. It looks like she really, really likes me.

cute baby smiling at Natalie Daily

{ 44 comments… read them below or add one }

Payton's momma March 8, 2012 at 9:18 pm

Natalie… I love you and respect your decision…and my child ADORES you….and because of that you have to trust me when I say…noone EVER understands the true value ofchildren… Until you have them.

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timsy March 8, 2012 at 9:18 pm

L.O.V.E. THIS. #1-20 provide extremely valid points…

In regards to #12 THANK GOD they serve alcohol on planes!! I once was seated next to a child on a standby flight the way back from Vegas. Oh man.

On a related note… I’m sorry but why do so many pregnant ladies act like they’re the first people ever to give birth?!

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Danielle March 9, 2012 at 12:07 pm

And may I add…….why in the hell do there need to be assigned parking spots for mothers with babies? Really? As far as I am concerned, if you just had a kid, then you need to walk more……….park like everyone else!
Is that wrong?

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Natalie March 11, 2012 at 3:51 pm

You kill me Danielle. You really do. Oh and, I want some damn cupcakes.

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Marianne June 15, 2012 at 8:43 am

as far as kids, planes, and alcohol. Ive flown several times with and without my kids…who are young…and yes…THANK GOD THEY SERVE ALCOHOL ON PLANES! Ive been on both sides of that situation and thank you Jack Daniels for saving all of us!! Yep…thats me..the mom with airplane bottles of Jack Daniels. I won mother of the year (insert sarcasm here!)

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The Stylilst March 8, 2012 at 9:44 pm

Hysterical….

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Stacey March 8, 2012 at 9:59 pm

This totally made me laugh. And even though I am a mom, and would not give up my son for anything… Some days? I totally get it. You forgot one thing… Homework. One should only have to survive 6th grade homework once. Enough said.

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Lesley March 9, 2012 at 8:33 am

You’re welcome. 🙂

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Melissa March 9, 2012 at 9:11 am

Wow! 20 Reasons!! I’m convinced. And don’t put your hopes all on that teenage linebacker. He will spend four years ignoring you, draining your bank account, eating your snacks and may then shatter a knee in college, making him ineligible for the NFL draft and force him to come back home – depressed – to spend the next 10 years in your basement.

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Natalie March 11, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Whoa Melissa. Dreams. Shattered.

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Peggy Seitzinger March 9, 2012 at 10:11 am

We’ve discussed this one in real life enough times that you know my response, I do think you’re responsible to make this decision. However, you did miss a few that should have been on the list: frozen breast milk is no comparison to hemorrhoids, lots of stretch marks, or the fact that my hips will NEVER return to their pre-pregnancy distance from one another. I can keep going. Somewhere around December 14, 2000 my name changed from Peggy to “Jake’s Mom”, soon to be followed by “Jake & Sami’s Mom”, and just because MILF seems like a compliment, why do we have to have the “M” to delineate? I know this is your Blog Nat, but I have so much to add, just let me know if you need more items for your list and I’ll continue. 🙂

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MsChick74 March 9, 2012 at 10:48 am

Love this post! I feel almost exactly the same way about having kids. It’s just not for me. I wish more women had the strength of character to admit that they prefer not to have kids.

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Natalie March 11, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Thank you so much for reading. All these comments made my weekend.

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Danielle March 9, 2012 at 12:04 pm

This is hysterical! I agree with all points made…..and more! AND I AM a mother of two delightfully spirited children! I get it! And as much as I love my kids, and would and do anything for them…….I will be the first person to say “you want kids? Take mine for the weekend then let me know how you feel”! OR- “you are thinking about having kids? I say, do everything you want now, buy yourself all the Louis vuitton you want now, travel all you want now, have sex now, sleep now, get it out of your system because you will trade all of that in for stride rites, tuition, and headaches, your Sunday Fundays turn into birthday party madness! ” – I could go on and on ……but honesty has always been my downfall! I am keeping it real!
Glad your writers block is over:)

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Reba March 9, 2012 at 12:06 pm

I think it is totally bogus to give people crap about not wanting kids. I am sure it gets old getting grilled about what when where why not etc. I do not agree with the breastmilk thing though, people drink ANIMAL milk every day. Talk about grody!

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Natalie March 11, 2012 at 3:52 pm

I guess I never really thought about the fact that I’m drinking animal milk. OMG. Does that mean that ice cream is essentially frozen animal breast milk? OMG.

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Gina March 9, 2012 at 1:34 pm

This is awesome! All very true but I would add the spider veins, stretch marks, saggy boobs and flabby belly to your list.

Actually, I’ve been on the fence about having #2, and leaning towards no for a lot of the same reasons you list above. One kid is great , not sure I want to do it again. I value alone time, quiet, reading, shopping, eating out, etc and it’s so much easier to get a babysitter to enjoy these things with grown ups when you’ve got one. Also, I look forward to traveling and going out to eat more with my little guy as he gets older but doing it with two or more kids…not so sure about that.

Oh, and I am aces at mothering with a hangover. 🙂

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Natalie March 11, 2012 at 3:51 pm

You had me at spider veins Gina.

And if this blog is any indication of how awesome/insane your only child could be…I say stick with one. LOLLLLLLLLL.

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Dina March 9, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Thank you for this post! As someone who doesn’t want children for many reasons, I find it frustrating how many people want to convince me otherwise. I hear how selfish I am (not entirely untrue) to choose myself over having a family. I don’t understand why this makes me selfish. We’re not running low on humans…

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Danielle March 9, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Dina girl…..you are NOT selfish……you are smart ! 🙂
We definitely are not low on humans………
Love

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Natalie March 11, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Selfish. Smelfish. 😉

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Christine March 9, 2012 at 5:11 pm

This is hilarious. You’re hilarious. I definitely want kids *someday* (aka very, very far in the future) mostly because I want to do plenty of dream-chasing first. And because I don’t like spending money on anyone but myself!

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Camels & Chocolate March 9, 2012 at 9:26 pm

THIS IS THE BEST THING I’VE EVER READ. I don’t know you, you don’t know me, and yet I’m sort of in love with you right now. Well put.

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Natalie March 11, 2012 at 3:49 pm

LOL. I think I’m sort of in love with you (and your enthusiasm for having no babies) too.

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Joan van Velsor March 11, 2012 at 9:57 am

Really understanding that some people just don’t want to have children, and respecting that feeling, somehow this post just made me sad. It reminded me of a woman I worked with long ago who told me she never wanted to get married because she never wanted to have to compromise. I felt she was closing the door forever rather than saying, “not now”, or ” I just don’t see it in my future right now”. Subtle difference maybe, but important to me. Keeping oneself open to a different future while being honest about the present view is, to me, less restricting.
There are plenty (too many) of posts out there shouting the joys of mother hood, so maybe there need to be more with an alternate point of view, and it is good for me to try to understand another perspective.

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Natalie March 11, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Joan – I completely understand where you are coming from and can appreciate that you (and my OBGYN) might want me to keep my youngish womb and mind open to the idea of reproduction for a few more years. While I have changed my mind about many a thing – I can honestly say this is one point on which both my stubborn feet are planted firmly on the ground. And, as opinionated as I am on this topic, I want to make sure you know that I would never question another woman’s decision or desire to have children. I actually understand why a woman would want a child/family of her own. While I can’t speak to it personally (other than knowing how much my mother loves me), I can see that the love between a mother and her child is a love like no other. I actually think being a mother is more than difficult than probably any other job and I have the utmost respect for the women that actually want to do it. That being said, it is much harder for women who do want children to understand why other women would not…to the point where they sometimes refuse to believe it could be true. They almost refuse to believe I/we would just “close the door” completely. I know I have a lot left to learn about myself and life, but in this case, I’d say I know myself well enough to know this is just not a commitment I’m willing to make. I really appreciate that you took the time to read this post and appreciate your comment more than you know – alternate views aside. I hope you’ll keep reading – and I hope you’ll try to take my sick sense of humor with a grain of salt. 😉

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Joan van velsor March 11, 2012 at 8:41 pm

Thanks for the kind and understanding response. You do have a point about mothers not understanding an early firm no to this question, and that must be hard to bear. But rest assured as a teen mom myself, someone with a too early desire for children would have me saying…maybe you should be saying “not now”, or ” it’s too early for me to see this is my future.
Best of luck to you

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Sarah March 14, 2012 at 10:56 am

Worded with perfection!! I have stood firm for the 33 years of my life with the 0% desire of reproducing… I have made the comments
to Moms who try and convince me otherwise, “yeah you are probably right, reproducing another version of me would be pretty badass!” For some reason they don’t seem to accept this as a valid response to their incessant badgering of my “No Babies” way of life… I do have a lovely 6 year old in my life and she teaches me patience every time I’m around her (once or twice a week). But that said, I did not have to go through any of the hellish nightmare involved in carrying and delivering a baby. I have some serious first hand experience in this department, as I have acted as a birth partner Doula for a couple friends… If going through an experience as intense and emotional as a birth does not make you want to experience the “miracle of life” yet rather gives you PTSD for days following, it’s probably a giant red flag that says, “this is not for you.” Anyways, thanks for all the realness, I truly enjoy your writing!

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Natalie March 14, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Oh my gosh you kill me…you have to be one of the funniest people I have never met. I get it…I totally get it and I’m a Mom. Vegas, planes, cars and drivers, ahhhh the life…I might be a bit jealous. And frozen breast milk is gross but not as gross as puking every morning when you wake up and after every meal that you enjoy and then can never eat again because all you think about is how it tasted coming up. Thinking you have to pee in the middle of the night when it’s just that giant baby inside sitting on your bladder and nothing comes out. **^&%^* kids.

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Lauren H March 14, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Frozen breast milk. Didn’t know there existed such a thing. I will now eye all those “with children” suspiciously.

PS- I think you would make a fabulous fun aunt. The kind you always hope shows up to Christmas.

Love your writing!
– Bird

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Beth March 14, 2012 at 9:36 pm

You forgot vomit, poop explosions and sickness. Then, there’s the fact that kids grow like WEEDS, can’t communicate with you for a solid two years … so there’s lots of frustrated crying, from all parties, at not being able to make a simple point … freely rub snot into their hair and only take pleasure in watching TV shows that involve over-sized pink aliens with weird names like “Foofa.” And yet. I fall in love with my #1 kid more and more each day. Can’t wait for #2 to arrive. But sister, I hear ya. If it’s not in the cards for you it’s not in the cards which is so much more respectable and honest than fulfilling everyone else’s idea of what you should do. For the record, kids have a special talent to drive you to drink more (see crying and aliens above) and because they’re always around you’re technically never drinking alone.

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Natalie Hourly March 16, 2012 at 7:55 am

refreshingly honest, disturbingly self-absorbed

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danielle March 16, 2012 at 11:16 am

Why do you equate being honest with being self absorbed? I often wonder why people simply can not accept that someone would not want children. Why do people need to try to convince them they should have children? It’s not for everyone, whatever the reasons are and instead of thinking that people who do not want children are simply selfish, we should maybe think that they are responsible!

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Natalie March 16, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Danielle, I adore you. I really do. Thank you for going to bat for me and my disturbingly self-absorbed rants. You make me smile. So much. And so often. Oh, and PLEASE don’t worry…the person (who thinks they posted their comment anonymously) said disturbingly self-absorbed like it was a bad thing. I’m not so convinced it is. It actually made me chuckle, because I know exactly where the comment came from. If my disturbingly, self-absorbed-ness helps me eliminate cellulite from my thighs (it’s not actually working that well at this point) and pushes me to write better (and more) content for this blog, I’ll take it. I don’t really give a damn. And, at the end of the day – I think it takes one to know one (imagine me with jazz hands, both thumbs up against my ears and my tongue sticking straight out – at “anonymous” commenter – you see IP addresses, and former employers, are a funny thing).

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Danielle March 16, 2012 at 5:46 pm

It would be remiss to not add……that trying to convince someone to have children would not only be self righteous of me, it would have complete disregard, and be totally disrespectful of someone else’s feelings! Who am I, or anyone for that matter to judge (and trust me when I say that I can be very judgmental) someone for making the choice to not procreate?
I own what I say, I say it with conviction and I would NEVER hide behind an “anonymous” post……EVER!

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Joan van Velsor March 17, 2012 at 9:42 am

just have to weigh in again…don’t know why. From my perspective, the “self absorbed” comment may just respond to what the author described as her “sick sense of humor”. I think the baseline point of view is honest and deserves respect, while some of the listed reasons were over the top to make a point. Not to diminish the fact that there are icky parts of parenthood, just overridden by the good parts for those who want children.
Why people try to post anonymously is a mystery to me unless they are being cowardly and won’t stand behind their opinions.

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Natasha March 18, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Best blog post ever!! I had a liver transplant 14 months ago and people are now asking when I am having kids. Um….never! I just about died and will forever be dealing with health issues but people still ask all the time! Since when does having children make your life complete?? Love the 20 reasons you posted….Cheers to us and our child free lives!

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Kaci W.O. March 23, 2012 at 2:40 pm

OK, so I finally got around to reading your blog. I sat and read through all your posts this afternoon and laughed. I was just now in the kitchen washing breakfast dishes and the cinnamon toast crunch left in milk all day smells like cat food, which made me think of your frozen breast milk thing and then I laughed even more. I’m sure you are completely confident in your decision and don’t need anyone else to tell you do whatever you want and forget about those people, but I feel as a mother of five my approval on your allowing to have your own opinion on not having children sticks more (or maybe I just think it does, hahaha). People do the same thing to me about HAVING children and I get tons of questions in the supermarket about how fast my husband’s sperm must swim or that my fertility is amazing. Seriously…. I also get attitude when people hear my opinion of having my kids play sports at the age of five, etc… I mean, who wants to give up every weeknight and Saturday mornings/day to shuttle around five kids to different soccer games just because I have a mini van. AND have them in dance and piano and maybe origami lessons in case we ever one day get taken over by the Japanese. My point is, people always think someone who knows what they want must be ridiculous. I personally love having a ton o’kids. However i must admit I have taken a puppy back on two different occasions because I almost had nervous breakdowns… Looking forward to more blog posts. And since this comment isn’t long enough, I thought I would let you know that I have lined my freezers with frozen breast milk, and if it accidentally gets added to your soup you really can’t tell…

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Natalie April 23, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Kaci – this is, by far, one of my favorite comments. Ever. And I’d like a picture of you in your mini van, please.

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Erin April 2, 2012 at 8:57 am

Natalie, I love you. And I read this post while pumping. Are you disgusted 😉

Dude, you need to meet my little people. Not to change your mind at all, just over due.

Xxoo
E

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Lucia April 14, 2012 at 5:12 pm

I love this! I am so sick of everyone acting like I am an evil crazy person not wanting kids! Since I pretty much just want to pull the hair of every kid I see, I think that is it for the best.

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Marianne June 15, 2012 at 8:53 am

OMG..i love this blog. Everything you said is so true. I never pictured myself with kids…ever. My mom was so disaapointed. But someone higher up than me laughed at my situation and said nope..your not only going to have one little eye opening shockeroo…4 yrs later…heres number 2. Thanks…thanks a lot to the big man upstairs! Having kids is a wild ride and I wouldnt change it for the world.There is nothing wrong with not wanting children, but if for some weird wacked out chance it does happen for you, you will experience a whole new type of love and perspective on life. Oh, if you ever find where the safe house is to store them in for a while let me know. My toes could use some serious work, and my grays are poking through! LOL!

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Camels & Chocolate February 2, 2013 at 4:14 pm

Just revisiting this and saying that nearly a year later, I still feel the exact same way =)

And also, you should read my friend Stephanie’s post on the subject:

http://monsterawr.com/we-absolutely-probably-almost-never-want-kids-ever-we-think/

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