All Dogs

September 28, 2012

I apologize in advance for what you are about to witness.

I am admittedly out of my mind right now.

I can’t help it. I have a seriously broken heart.

We knew this day would come. We knew it would be gut-wrenching. We knew we would never truly be able to prepare ourselves for the pain. We accepted it. I swear we did. We talked about it a million times. We knew she could not and would not live forever. And we told ourselves we were grateful for every day we got to spend with her and we hoped she was thankful for every day she got to spend with us.

We adopted a very old dog. We knew our days were numbered. We made the most of them.

Until this day was actually here.

This day wasn’t gut-wrenching. It was debilitating. I loathe this day.

I loathe the day we lost Penny Lane.

I feel like I can’t breathe without her.

Photo Courtesy of Penny Sylvia Photography

 I want her back. I want her back for five minutes, so I can tell her sweet face that I’m sorry I didn’t tell her goodbye when we left her at the vet.

I DIDN’T KNOW THAT WAS THE LAST TIME WE WERE EVER GOING TO SEE HER. I DIDN’T KNOW SHE WAS GOING TO GET PNEUMONIA ONE DAY AND BE GONE THE VERY NEXT.

Photo Courtesy of Penny Sylvia Photography

I just want to give my puppy one more kiss. That is all I want.

I know it was time for her to go. And I did not want her to suffer.

But I just want to give her one more kiss on her perpetually wet nose. That is all I want.

Photo Courtesy of Penny Sylvia Photography

I cannot imagine going a day without seeing this gorgeous face.

I cannot imagine a world without this Golden Retriever in it.

SOMEBODY TELL ME MY LUNGS ARE GOING TO INFLATE AT SOME POINT…BECAUSE I STILL CAN’T BREATHE…BECAUSE RIGHT NOW…I NEED AIR.

Photo Courtesy of Penny Sylvia Photography

Our house seems so still without Penny Lane. I’m not sure why. She didn’t make a whole lot of noise. She didn’t really make any. But the house is silent tonight. In the silence, I can hear the metal tag on her collar. I can hear her nails on our hardwood floors. I can even hear her arthritic hips. She sort of swayed everywhere she went. It was actually the only the sound she made – her waddle. And right now, I would give anything to see her waddle one more time.

Photo Courtesy of Penny Sylvia Photography

There was never going to be a good time or way for Penny Lane to leave us.

I get it.

But one of the only things that has kept me from crying through every minute of every hour of this day has been knowing that…

ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN

Photo Courtesy of Penny Sylvia Photography

Penny Lane,

I am so sorry we didn’t give you a proper goodbye and I am so sorry we didn’t bring you home. We honestly thought it would be better if you were monitored overnight. And we thought, when we got the call from the vet this morning, that we were going to be told it was time to pick you up. Boy were we wrong about that. I know how much you loved to be loved, and I am so sorry we weren’t there to love you. It is killing us inside. But I know that my dad is waiting for you. You two are going to have the best time together. And I know there’s no arthritis where you’re headed. No more restless nights and no more struggling to get up and down stairs. I bet you’ll even get your hearing (and hopefully your metabolism) back. You deserve it.

Thank you for some of the best memories of our lives.

We know that no puppy could hold a candle to you.

Now I need to get a grip.

Even my bangs look like @#$% today. And you know how I feel about my hair.

You have no idea how much everyone who knew you loved you.

XOXO

{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }

Danielle girten September 29, 2012 at 4:21 am

Oh Natalie…….I am so sorry for your loss! Penny lane may not physically be with you now, but she will always be in your heart! She was the luckiest pup to have you as her Momma! Sending you big hugs my friend.

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Karin September 29, 2012 at 5:53 am

Oh Natalie I am so sorry. I can feel some of that pain reading. Bob has told us on the trail “Penny Lane” stories and the pain of losing an animal is gut wrenching and takes your breath away. Best thoughts to you and Bob, and of course Penny Lane.

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Christie September 29, 2012 at 6:37 am

Natalie, I am soo soo sorry. We lost a 4 legged family member a few years back and like you, it took the air right out of my lungs. I couldn’t stop crying for days. I can feel your pain and totally understand it. They add so much to our lives and they don’t even know it. Sending you lots of love!

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Leah Miller September 29, 2012 at 6:58 am

I am truly and painfully sorry for the loss and sadness you and Bob are feeling. I don’t know that there are any words that could make it any easier or relieve the heartache. I’ve been there myself and understand what you are feeling right now. Just know that we love you and that we are thinking about you! Big hugs and kisses, Leah and Ryan.

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Julie Miller September 29, 2012 at 7:26 am

Natalie I am so sorry!! She can play with my Winston who’s up there too… He always acted like he was king of this world so I’m sure he’s running things up there and he’ll take good care of her.

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Jamie September 29, 2012 at 7:28 am

Oh Natalie…the tears in my eyes are so heavy I can hardly see what I’m typing. There’s nothing like that feeling, and “feeling” is too soft a word for the punch in the gut I’m sure you’re sitting with. I’m thinking about you. Long, long hugs, Jamie.

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Angela September 29, 2012 at 10:48 am

Natalie.. So sorry to hear of your loss. Rest assured your Penny Lane knows how much you care. I remember when we first met you told me about your dog. Bob and I also talked at an R4R event about our older dogs. Like you put so eloquently there is no preparing. Sending prayers your way..

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Andrea Muniz September 29, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Oh Natalie (and Bob), I am so sad to hear this news. I cried reading this whole post.

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Christine September 30, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Awww babe–I know what you’re going through. Losing Susie was one of the saddest days of my life, but I knew we didn’t want her to be in pain any longer. And now my parents have Annie, who is one of the sweetest things around. It all comes around. Lots and lots of love to you xoxo

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Brett October 1, 2012 at 8:46 pm

So sorry about this. I just want to better understand why Parrots live to be 100+ but we only get our dogs for an instant in comparison. I hope Penny Lane and my pup Callie are enjoying a couple of pigs ears together in Heaven. Again – really sorry.

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Natalie October 8, 2012 at 7:36 am

Brett – I just wanted to say thank you for the giggle. For some reason, the thought of someone actually wanting a Parrot sort of made me laugh (which is mean, I know, but…I needed the laugh). Love you guys. 😉

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jill (mrs chaos) October 2, 2012 at 12:34 pm

You don’t even know me, but my word this broke my heart. I’m just so sorry for your loss.

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Natalie October 8, 2012 at 7:35 am

Hi Jill, thank you so much for reading and thank you so much for your kind words. I really thought we’d be feeling better by now (at least a little) but we seriously miss our pup. I’m so sincerely grateful for everyone’s support.

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Kelly Riggle October 7, 2012 at 5:48 am

Natalie.
So sorry to hear about Penny Lane. Dogs become your friends! Thinking of you and Bob!
Kelly

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Penny October 31, 2012 at 11:11 am

… it was such an honor to have gotten to meet Penny Lane … Unconditional love is always the hardest to loose. When I lost our Maxwell House, seriously, I still don’t think I’m over it and we’ve had two great dogs since we lost him. Warm hugs to you and Bob.

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