I lost my voice.
I finally found it.
I used it today…on the phone with Blue Shield.
It took me 11 days and two hours to connect with a customer service representative.
Needless to say, I was at my breaking point.
If I wasn’t so accident prone, I would have just let the policy lapse.
This is a summary of our call:
BS: No ma’am, your husband could not have removed himself from this policy without your authorization. You’re the primary policyholder on the account.
Me: I realize this. And it’s miss.
Me: You called me ma’am. It’s miss. I’m not that old. I know I’ll continue to age but I’m not THAT old right now. For instance, the man you referred to as my husband is 15 years older than me. He is ma’am. I am miss. Make sense?
BS: Of course, miss.
Me: Also, as far as the law is concerned, he’s my husband. But that’s it. For the purpose of this call – if you could refer to him as ma’am or the man I’m waiting on to process the paperwork that will allow us to legally detach – I would sincerely appreciate it.
BS: Of course, miss. How about Mr. Daly?
Me: That’s the same person. I’m still legally married to that ma’am.
BS: *changes the subject*
BS: Mr. Daly would like to cancel his coverage, correct?
Me: Yes. I have an email here that says he called you a few weeks ago to make that change. He also needs me to pick up my hope chest. But I already crossed that off my list.
BS: I do have a note here that Mr. Daly tried to cancel his coverage and we told him he could not do so without your approval.
Me: (laughing) I bet he loved that.
BS: I apologize that change was not already made and confirmed. If you could verify a few things for me, I can cancel his coverage now that we’ve got you on the phone.
BS: Mr. Daly’s birthdate?
Me: I’m not sure. I need to text my mom. She knows. And she always answers my texts.
BS: Ok, miss.
Me: Is there anything else I can verify? He kept our cats. I know their names. He likes candy. Anything like that?
BS: Not really, miss.
Me: Honestly, I’m surprised you’re still on the phone with me. But I waited 11 days and two hours to speak to you (I even tried once in Spanish). I never planned on making this pleasant for either of us. I probably owe you a thousand dollars too. The way I see it? I really have no incentive to stop humoring myself. And of course I know when he was born…ish.
BS: Thank you. If I could place you on a brief hold, I will make these changes to your policy right now.
Me: That’s fine. But I know where your office is located. I will drive there if we get disconnected. Nobody wants that. And before you put me on hold, could you tell me if you still have his payment information on file?
BS: His payment information?
Me: Yes. The card that was being used for automatic payments on this account. I’d like to use that card to buy eye makeup remover while I’m waiting for you to come back on the line.
BS: I’ll just be one minute, miss.
Me: Fair enough.
BS: Mr. Daly has been removed from the policy. Is there anything else I can do for you today?
Me: Yes. You can tell me how much I owe you. I imagine I’ll be penalized for the fact that no one confirmed this policy change weeks ago. Could you email me confirmation of the cancellation, a current statement and any other relevant changes to my policy/rate?
BS: I would be happy to email that to you. Your email address?
Me: *gives her my personal email address*
BS: Thank you, Miss Daily.
Me: Oh dear.
Me: It’s Paulsen. Miss Paulsen.
BS: But your email says…
Me: I know. My email says Daily. It’s spelled differently. And it’s not my last name.
BS: I’m sorry?
Me: Me too. Well, I’m not that sorry. It’s kind of funny. It’s Daly vs. Daily. He’s Daly. Like the Bob. I’m Daily. Like the blog. It’s like Kramer vs. Kramer. But better. Because there’s only bangs (no kids) involved.
BS: *crickets again*
Me: You have maintained an unbelievable level of professionalism on this call. I would have hung up on me long ago. Oh wait, your customer service line did hang up on me – more than a dozen times. I’d say we’re even. That being said, thank you so much for your help. If you were with me right now, I’d buy you lunch at Chipotle. But I have a feeling you don’t want to hang out.