From A to Z

November 16, 2012

Let’s call this a writing exercise.

And let’s hope it works.

I’m going to use the alphabet – yes – the alphabet – to try to get myself through a (publishable) blog post.

I honestly don’t know what else to do. I’m @#$%ing stuck.

So, I picked the alphabet to prompt me…one letter at a time.

I’m almost embarrassed…almost…

A is for a$$hole. It’s the first word that came to mind. And it’s my first letter. Cut me some slack. Ok. I changed my mind. A is for animation. This cartoon makes me smile. Thank you JC Little. Thank you so much for this.

Cartoon Courtesy of the Seriously Talented, JC Little

B is for bangs. DUH. B is also for Broncos. And burgers.

C is for campaign. I still think Ke$ha should have been elected President. This gem is just one of the many reasons why…

“I think people can stand to take themselves just a little less seriously. I’m fighting the war against pretension.” – Ke$ha

D is for Dempster. Amy Dempster, if you’re reading this, I cannot begin to thank you for all you do for me…including your terribly inappropriate text messages. I heart you, and the texts (please don’t stop sending them).

E is for Eminem. And Rihanna. I’m obsessed with “Love the Way You Lie, Pt. II.”

F is for friends that still believe in you, even when you’ve stopped believing in yourself.

G is for Gangnam Style. Why am I so obsessed with this air pony riding South Korean dude? I love his music video. I love it so much. I want to ride an air pony, right now.

H is for Harry and the Hendersons. I have NO idea why, but I can’t stop thinking about the scene in the movie where John Lithgow is trying to send Harry back into the wilderness. He tells him he doesn’t love him anymore (but he really does). I think he might even slap the poor Sasquatch. It’s awful. I’ve thought about this scene at least once a day for the last two weeks. I haven’t seen this movie in years, maybe more than a decade. I have to see it again. Soon.

I is for ice skating. I’ve never been. And I will probably never go. I’m afraid I’ll break my ankles. Both of them. At the same time. I’m completely capable of something like that.

J is for Jay-Z. And Justin Timberlake. We could have had it all.

K is for Kevin Fippin. And Curtis Corona. One day, these two are going to be my backup dancers/hype guys in a very famous YouTube video. Mark my words.

L is for learning something new every day. I’m basically Billy Madison (thanks for the reference, Potty Animal). If the alphabet wasn’t your first clue, I’m going back to Kindergarten.

M is for McFlurry. I really want one right now. And some Mexican food.

N is for New York. I’d give just about anything to get good news from you right now. Patience has certainly never been my virtue. But, I really want and need this win. I would not disappoint. Not you. Or me. I promise.

O is for Oregon. It’s an inside joke. It’s not actually that funny (at least not to me). But I don’t have a better word for “O.” So, you’re being forced to participate in a bad, inside joke. I’m sorry.

P is for P!nk. These are some of my favorite lyrics from one of my favorite new P!nk songs:

“The Great Escape”

Oh, terrified of the dark, but not if you go with me

And I don’t need a pill to make me numb

And I wrote the book on runnin’,

But that chapter of my life will soon be done

I’m the king queen of the great escape

You’re not gonna watch me checkin out of this place

You’re not gonna lose me

Cause the passion and pain

Are gonna keep us alive someday

Yeah the passion and the pain

Are gonna keep us alive someday, someday

Q is for qrap (it’s technically – crap). Can I text a friend? I’m texting Paul Lanning. We’re almost always both awake in the middle of the night. This just happened to be one of the few times Paul passed out before me. Lucky for me (and Paul), I chose to sleep on this post before publishing. And…I woke up to a text from him. Q is for quinoa. Thanks PL. You’re…I mean…we’re…amazing. Right?

R is for Robert Thomason. Brace yourselves. I have put this off long enough. It’s time to break all of your hearts (if you’ve been following along). Robert and I can no longer be pen pals. I did respond to his last letter. He sent me two letters in response…to my response. I vividly remember the day I got them. I needed them. I needed THAT kind of smile on my face. I ripped the first letter open, and no sooner dropped it…as if someone had lit the paper on fire in my hands. I ripped open the second letter. I was sure it was a practical joke. It was not. The second letter was even worse than the first. My sweet, too-good-to-be-true, little, old man, my first novel, my New York MoMA moment…said something about touching tongues. And that’s all I’m going to say about that. Rest in peace, Robert. He is still alive (as far I know); I’m simply AND understandably killing our newfound friendship.

S is for shit (I had to spell it out this time). You just can’t make this shit up. I swear this kind of shit only happens to me (please refer to “R”).

T is for Tequila Avión. I don’t know why I haven’t already aggressively approached them about being some type of official ambassador for their brand. I have a few solid tequila drinking, Vegas/Miami/Mexico/Wherever going years left in me. I really feel like my tolerance, plus my bangs, plus their product…are a perfect fit. And if it’s not Tequila Avión, I should probably contact the company that manufactures my flat iron. We’re also meant to be.

U is for ugly. U-G-L-Y you ain’t go no alibi, you’re ugly. I heart Wildcats.

V is for vodka. Or vajazzling. Take your pick.

W is for water. I should drink more of it. But I have zero desire. I’d rather eat fish sticks.

X is for XOXO, which is my really lame way of bringing this blog around to Gossip Girl, one of my many guilty pleasures. The love of my life, Chuck Bass, had to be mentioned at some point. And I used C for Ke$ha. I thought this made the most sense.

Y is for YOUR bed. The one YOU made. The one YOU’RE having trouble sleeping in. I’m mostly talking to myself here. Mostly.

Z is for Zooey Deschanel. She bangs.


{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }

Caio November 16, 2012 at 4:59 am

Love it.


Natalie November 17, 2012 at 12:15 am

Thank you for reading (and loving) Caio. Admittedly missing your family after I got such a healthy dose at Vanessa’s wedding…


Erin November 16, 2012 at 6:43 am

Oh, how I’ve missed you…welcome back…sorta. If your next post resembles the dracula from Seasame Street counting….well, then I’m going to host a blog intervention. Don’t worry…there will be wine.


Natalie November 17, 2012 at 12:14 am

You should have never mentioned the Count Erin…


Lesley November 16, 2012 at 7:56 am

I always read your blogs with fear I’ll end up in them.

Also, I love Beyonce.


Natalie November 17, 2012 at 12:11 am

LOL. It’s so hard not to love Beyonce. I totally get it. And you should be afraid, very afraid. That being said, I think some of the kindest words I have ever written were about you…my savior.


Melissa November 16, 2012 at 8:25 am

Love alphabets. Oh and R. Sweet, harmless, little old men are never. Harmless. It’s a lesson once learned, never forgotten.


Natalie November 17, 2012 at 12:09 am

Oh Melissa. The letters left me seriously speechless. If I wasn’t concerned that he might not legitimately be in his right mind…I would share every word with you. But, I feel like less is probably more in this case. I cringe every time I think about what he wrote.


zarchasmpgmr November 16, 2012 at 9:07 am

Why haven’t I seen that pic before in front of the iconic Denver Bronco? (The only NFL team to which I give a modicum of attention, because of Elway.) Srsly, that is just a cute and great photo.


Natalie November 17, 2012 at 12:05 am

I’m not sure why you haven’t seen the Bronco pic. That is one of my favorite pics, ever (and not just because I’m in it, I swear). I was having a blast at the Denver Burger Battle. What a gorgeous stadium. And the beef wasn’t bad either. Hee Hee.


zarchasmpgmr November 17, 2012 at 6:40 pm

Better beef than bronco. 🙂


Delores Paulsen November 16, 2012 at 9:19 am

When you were reciting the alphabet before the age of (2) I never knew it would take you this far, you quite simply amaze me! Keep writing I’m waiting for the book!


Natalie November 16, 2012 at 11:59 pm

LOL. Your comments always crack me up Dee. They really do.


Beth Brooks November 16, 2012 at 11:22 am

What a beautiful, creative young lady you are! Let it flow!


Natalie November 16, 2012 at 11:56 pm

Thank you so much Beth. I’m trying! I’ve been having such a hard time writing lately. Felt so good to finally push a blog post out…


josh November 16, 2012 at 1:36 pm

YES!! nicely done….


Natalie November 16, 2012 at 11:54 pm

Thanks MISTER. 😉


Tina November 16, 2012 at 3:34 pm

…there she is. Back with her bangs looking fly!


Natalie November 16, 2012 at 11:54 pm

Oh Tiners…where would my bangs and I be without you? XOXO. LOVE my new conditioner by the way. Remind me you’re always right next time I try to tell you no.


Emily November 16, 2012 at 11:37 pm

Great blog post! You probably saw the 30 Rock where they play that same scene from Harry and the Hendersons… maybe late at night when they play the reruns.


Natalie November 16, 2012 at 11:53 pm

Thank you Emily! And, umm, how did I miss that episode of 30 Rock? I need to locate on Netflix, like yesterday.


Corinne November 17, 2012 at 1:10 am

You are a trip. And thanks for posting that SNL clip – I had completely missed that one and I really needed that laugh tonight.


Farray December 6, 2012 at 12:45 am

Love it all shrimpy! Love the way you lie….fell in love in a hopeless place. Red wine and NY City! I miss you! Come to Maui! Your friend Mark will be here next month 🙂


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