These are, by far, the most profound things that have crossed my mind since the start of the new year…
- All tights should be crotchless. Every single pair. I’ve got some Spanx (I’m not ashamed to admit it) with an amazing adjustable crotch – so once you get the mother@#$%ers on – you DON’T have to take them off…until you actually want to take them off. If you’ve never worn tights, you won’t appreciate this crotchless sentiment. Just know that tights are one of the best and worst things ever manufactured for women. The individual that finally opened up the crotch is a genius. Nothing is worse than trying to get them to fit like they did the first time you put them on. I’ll say it one more time. All crotchless everything. I mean, all crotchless tights.
- You don’t need to pay for collagen. You just need a terrible cold. I recently rubbed my lips so raw, while repeatedly blowing my nose, that they blew up like big, red balloons. They were dry. And they hurt. But they were superstar beautiful (I swear). I slapped a little lip gloss on those bad boys, and they were good as new. They were also the only thing you could see on my face, aside from my dry, red nose. Ridiculously hot. I know.
- Speaking of having a terrible cold…I don’t understand where snot comes from. I don’t know where it’s made. I just know it’s disgusting. I don’t want little snot gnomes creating congestion and pressure in my head. Ever again.
- I read something (a long time ago) that said…
If it’s not ok, it’s not the end.
For some reason, that sentiment keeps coming back to me. It reminds me how much the people I love, and I, deserve a better 2013.
- My sister from another mister (that’s you Peg) says “emotions are like opinions, they’re not right or wrong.” She says we’re all entitled to feel however we want whenever we want…to feel that way (whatever way that is). She says things like this to me all the time. But this one really stuck. It reminds me how hard it can be not to judge others. And it reminds me how devastating it can feel to be judged. It also reminds me how important it is to allow not only yourself, but the people you care about, to feel anything and everything there is to feel. Because if it’s not felt, if you hold back, if you just bottle it all up inside…it will eventually…shut you down.
- I have a really unhealthy relationship with Pitbull. Not the dog. The man. The rapper (is he technically a rapper?). I love him. You can laugh now. Unless you love him (and Bud Light Platinum) too (insert fist pump here).
- I want to be the person who writes the messages on/in greeting cards. It would save me so much money on…greeting cards. And, I am so inspired by the people and unique occasions in my life. In fact, some of you have already inspired entire collections. I might have to change the names of the collections to protect you. And to protect me from you. But you’ve still seriously inspired me. I know I could make cards that somebody as demented as I would want to buy. So, how do I do this? Where do I start?
- THE FIRST LADY CUT BANGS. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. This means, not only could I be the head of a Mexican drug cartel, I could also be The First Lady. Needless to say, my future is SO bright right now.
- I really want triceps. I wonder if you can buy them.
- Few things are as difficult as forgiveness. It’s hard to ask for forgiveness. It’s hard to believe you deserve to be forgiven. It’s hard to forgive others. It’s just as hard to forgive yourself. And it’s hard to move forward, even when you’ve told yourself, or somebody else, you forgave.
- On that note, I am surrounded by people who forgive. They constantly teach and impress me. I have so much to learn from them. And so much to be thankful for. I am so thankful for them.
- I need someone who has had laser hair removal, a Brazilian bikini wax and given birth – to compare the three types of pain for me. I need to know if they are at all similar or related, in any way. And no, I am not considering giving birth.
- Having the ability to read lips is both a blessing and a curse. It made me a great bartender. I could have your drink in hand before you actually told me what you wanted, because I could see you tell your friends what you wanted from across the room. But this gift has also made me a cranky biatch. I have watched women talk @#$% about my weight, my outfit, how they felt about the man I was with (AWESOME) or even worse, I’ve watched some of my best friends talk about me behind…err…in front of my back. I’m not saying I’m not guilty of doing the very same thing. I’m just saying, you start thinking twice about doing things like this when you can read lips. You (also meaning I) shouldn’t do it anyway. But when you know how it feels, when you can actually see it happening to you, when you can actually read every catty word coming out of a person’s mouth…and it’s all about you…it sincerely makes you want to try to be the nicest version of yourself. It makes you want to be a better human being, even if you mess up from time to time.
- All condiments should be served in a little glass jar, with a little wooden spoon. Next to fried chicken and a waffle. On top of bacon. Thank you Oliver Ridgeway.