True Story

May 30, 2013

So, this happened…

I did domesticated things. Like, more than one. A handful of domesticated things.

I started to feel criminally insane while searching for the source of a moldy smell (because, as you know, I’m not typically out of my mind). I opened windows, lit candles, took out the trash, did dishes, started smelling furniture and towels and clothes and hardwood floors. No luck. I can still smell it. Note: These domesticated things are separate from the other domesticated things I did. Unbelievable, I know.

I woke up with a leg bathed in bruises (and this picture is only of a few of said bruises).

For the third time, someone sent me a text that compared me to Britney Spears circa 2007. Three different people. Not the same person. Three different people sent me the exact same photo/quote.

I was walking down a very busy street in Sacramento. I had my coffee in one hand and my cell phone in the other. I was talking feverishly about work as I walked. I was in a hurry. And then I realized that my cotton, strapless dress was no longer covering my chest. I don’t even know what else to say about that.

One of my best friends sent me these outstanding texts:

Today the 24 year old campus monitor asked me on a date to On the Border.

That is now my dating life.

Oh also his mom doesn’t mind when he has girls over.

I’ve been clenching my teeth so hard, for so long, over the last few days – that I went to make a phone call and realized my teeth were covered in blood. I guess I really irritated my gums.

I went through the Taco Bell drive-thru and they told me “good morning” before they took my order. I had a bean burrito and nachos before 10 a.m. I swore it was noon.

I think I finally figured out where my current (and extreme) bout of writer’s block stems from. I’m going to take care of it. Then I’ll write the story about it. And celebrate.

One of my other best friends told me she did something “Natalie Paulsen worthy.” She used the words “total crazy person” in the same sentence.

I fell in love with Silver Linings Playbook all over again. Here are just a few of the reasons why…

The only way to beat my crazy was by doing something even crazier. Thank you. I love you. I knew it the minute I met you. I’m sorry it took so long for me to catch up. I just got stuck. – Pat

There will always be a part of me that is dirty and sloppy, but I like that, just like all the other parts of myself. I can forgive. Can you say the same for yourself, @#$%er? Can you forgive? Are you capable of that? – Tiffany

The world will break your heart ten ways to Sunday. That’s guaranteed. I can’t begin to explain that. Or the craziness inside myself and everyone else. But guess what? Sunday’s my favorite day again. I think of what everyone did for me, and I feel like a very lucky guy. – Pat

I made some decisions. Some seriously big ones.

I spent an entire night awake with a giant, stuffed dog. Sleepless didn’t feel so bad with man’s best friend by my side. I also had to rename him for the fourth time. I think this name is going to stick. He’s way nicer than his name, but it still somehow suits him.

I just remembered how carefully I looked after my stuffed animals as a kid. My new stuffed pup was left sideways on the bed. His ear was bent funny and he looked like he was in pain. I felt terrible. So, I sat him upright. This compulsion brought back a very vivid memory of me making all of my stuffed animals sleep on the floor one night (my trundle bed was always packed with stuffed pets). I made them all sleep on the floor. Except for one. I let one sleep in the bed because he had fallen on the floor the night before. I was making it up to him.

A DJ booth, at a nightclub, may have lost power because of me. But I’m pretending that did not happen.

A bro asked me what I was wearing to a meeting. I felt like I had been officially initiated. I felt like I was really one of the bros.

I was mesmerized by a photo of Ashley & Nick’s second child, Reagan. Their newest daughter is just as incredible as Payton, their first (see photo evidence). She is also destined to be a hip-hop mogul of sorts. I’m sure of it.

Insert several stories I am actually not going to write about here.

Yep. That all happened. It only took three days.

And you only know the half of it.

I left the best…err…worst stuff out. That’s all going in the version adapted for film.

Tell me this kind of stuff happens to you too…



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